To grow, you need to be able to forgive yourself.

This topic is for me so essential and has had such a profound influence and impact on myself.
Forgiveness as such is deeply rooted in religions, and many people talk and write about it’s importance. Lately I stumbled into a couple:

Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of: Eat, pray, love) attended a seminar to reflect on the concept and following that shared her observations via her Blog.

Jack Kornfield wrote about this on his blog.

Rod Arters wrote a great blog post about it too.

Without getting too theoretical, then a Google of the word forgiveness gives the following definition (Wikipedia):

“the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.”


This way to approach forgiveness contains two parties: A victim and an offender, and the key is, that the victim let go of negative emotions and change feelings towards the offender.

For me, the scoop about this way to view forgiveness is, that it becomes universal, as it can also contain the situation where victim and offender is one and the same, which then becomes: Me.
And this is really where I want to start.

I believe that forgiveness is key to achieving improvements and to grow. Far too often we get disappointed because we don’t reach the targets or the goals we have set. We get disappointed or disillusioned because of that and feel we are not worthy of growing, and then we give up.
When we are young we still believe we can make it to the top, that we can become famous, popular, outstanding in sports, arts or business. But when we try, we sometimes fail. Sooner or later we reach the ceiling or meet our limits. But, when we are young we try again. Maybe we get angry or disappointed, but we try again. But the more times we fail, the more “experienced” we get, we learn about all the things that “cannot be done”, that “I cannot do”, because “I am not good enough”, because “I am not worthy”. Some call this “experience” – “I have tried something and I have experienced that it doesn’t work”, or that “I cannot do it”, so “I better stay away from trying this any more, or trying something that even looks like it”.
I believe, that we need to keep on trying, we need to keep on failing, or we will never get anywhere.
A person who lives according to this credo is the tennis player Stanislas Wawrinka.
Tattooed on Stanislas Wawrinka’s left forearm is a quotation that sums up his philosophy of life. It’s from Samuel Beckett, whose writings dealt with the struggle to find meaning in a bleak, nihilistic universe. Written on his arm in blue script: “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail Better.” “It’s my vision of my job and my life in general,” Wawrinka said. “In tennis, as you know, if you are not Roger or Rafa and Djokovic or Andy now, you don’t win so many tournaments and you always lose. But you need to take the positive of the loss and you need to go back to work.”
http://straightsets.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/09/06/the-power-of-positive-thinking-doesnt-fail-wawrinka/

I see this as trying your best, but sometimes failing, however forgiving yourself for not being perfect. If I cannot forgive myself when I fail, then I do not dare take a risk some other day. If I do not dare take a risk, I cannot learn, If I cannot learn, I cannot grow or develop.

To grow and develop is crucial, because everything around me is developing at a fast pace, so if I stand still, everybody else will be moving on.
I think it is so essential to start by forgiving one self first. By getting experience doing so, one can also forgive others for their mistakes or errors, which then opens up for so much more. By being able to forgive others we can build trust.
I also see a clear connection between forgiving and practising meditation. To practise meditation you need to be able to forgive yourself, because your mind will wander so many times and you will have to look at the thoughts that came up and call your mind back to the meditation again and again.

For me personally to discover this was a big moment. To discover that the meditation practice was actually strengthening my ability to forgive myself and thereby helping me in moving on. To accept myself that way has had a profound impact on my life.
Think about this next time you get disappointed about yourself. Remember to forgive yourself, get the learning and move on. The more you practise the better you get.

To grow, you need to be able to forgive yourself.

Search inside yourself

Truly a manual for all of us who admit that we haven’t found what we are looking for. I believe it can help all of us in our journey to happiness and fulfilment.

Search inside yourself

For those of you who missed the story, then Chade-Meng (Meng) worked at Google, where he created a program to support or create a “Mindfulness culture”. The book describes the steps or activities in the program.

Meng recently left Google to join the “Search inside yourself leadership institute” which he also founded.

Search inside yourself leadership institute

The key topics in the book were for me:

Emotional intelligence. An expression developed by Daniel Coleman in his book: Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Where he classifies it into:

  1. Self-awareness.
  2. Self-regulation
  3. Motivation
  4. Empathy
  5. Social skills.

Mindfulness.

  • Training attention via mindfulness attention.
  • Practise meditation. Using a simple process model.
  • Being mindful not only when doing meditation, but in all aspects of life.
  • “Happiness is the default state of mind.”

Empathy.

  • Loving kindness meditation.

 

The book has been reviewed many times, here is a link to an article in New York Times about the program:

O.K., Google, take a deep breath

 

 

 

 

 

Search inside yourself

Essentialism by Greg Mckeown

Mckeown writes about: “The Disciplined pursuit of less” in all aspects of life. To avoid being misled by the non essentials in daily day and life.

He breaks this down into:

  • Explore – escape, look, play sleep and select
  • Eliminate – clarify, dare, uncommon, edit and limit
  • Execute – buffer, subtract, progress, flow, focus and be

The essence is really about: Choice and awareness. Being aware about what is happening inside and out side of yourself and how you have the choice to decide on your response.

Model-of-Essentialism

Essentialism by Greg Mckeown

Your impact.

We all impact the world around us. Most of us don’t think about it and don’t pay attention. However some people do.

Jane Goodall

We all admire the ones who use their impact in a positive way. But they are not the only ones who can do that. So can each and everyone of us.

“Every day, everywhere you go, you spread a virus. You decide if that virus is positive of negative.”

Quoted from Dr. John Izzo in the book: You first by Liane Davey.

Your impact.

What standard?

Too often – not all the time – we compare ourselves to others:”Ah I am not so smart”. “I cannot do that”. “I will never be that good”. “I wish I had”.

We compare ourselves to others and measure our lives with the measures of others. This only creates frustration and disappointment. To make it even more interesting, we should ask: Who decides that we are failures, because we cannot do the stuff others do? That we have not achieved the things others have? We do. So we decide whether we are successes or failures. We set the “bar” for what is bad, ok or great. So the only one who can make us feel bad is: Ourselves. It is not the neighbour, it is not the team mate or colleague, it is ourselves. I am not arguing that we should set mediocre standards. I am saying that we decide what is acceptable and we decide whether we want to work on improving to reach what we decide is an acceptable or great standard.

Sepi Tajima has written a nice article about how we compare our selves to others.

Comparing yourself to others sucks – here is how to change that.

Sepi writes about Comparisons that sucks:

  1. Comparing your “reality” against other people’s “apparent reality”.
  2. Comparing your “beginning” with someone else’s “middle or end”.
  3. Comparing or being compared with things you “don’t really care about”.
  4. Comparing or being compared in areas you have “no power to change”.

And fortunately also add’s something about comparisons that rocks:

  1. Comparing yourself to your “previous version” in an uplifting way.
  2. Comparing yourself to those you “truly admire”
  3. Comparing yourself to those in “harder situations”
  4. Comparing or being compared in areas you “care about and can change”.

I especially subscribe to the first one: Comparing to your “previous version”. This one is for me the essential one.

Jorgen

What standard?

Mistakes are not bad.

Yes, we should all avoid making mistakes, but sometimes they just happen. Maybe we were not prepared for what could happen, we had not thought things properly over, maybe something unforeseen happened, maybe what we did create an unforeseen incident, maybe we created new knowledge, new insight.

Some mistakes are good mistakes, and are part of learning and developing. The important issue is that we need to learn from our mistakes and even more important that we need to learn to deal with the emotional consequences of the mistakes we make.

The following article gives some insight and advise regarding that:

Mopping up emotional messes after mistakes

Mistakes are not bad.

Humility.

I read a wonderful article about humility that I think others would also benefit from:

How humility will make you the greatest person ever

It is a nice short article about the importance and opportunities from humility. It gives 3 advises for how to cultivate humility:

  1. Embrace your humanness.
  2. Practice mindfulness and self-compassion.
  3. Express gratitude.

 

Humility.

How to live every minute?

That is certainly a great question. I don’t have the answer either, but I am looking for it all the time – every single minute. I search for answers, I search for ideas.

Here I would like to collect it all. Tie it all together. When ever I stumble over something that could help me come one step further, I will post it here. Either I will call it out myself, but more likely add a link to the content of other much wiser and smarter people than myself.

One of the people I am deeply indebted to was: Steven Covey

Stephen-Covey-Quotes-product-of-circumstances

Not that I am living his 7 habits, but that he made me think and left certain concepts in my hearth.

One being about: To live, to love, to learn and to leave a legacy, which is why I developed this site. I want to do this myself and part of it is sharing and supporting others on their own way.

Jorgen

How to live every minute?